This Old House
by lamatikah
Summary: My fine, good tourists, why not join me as we take a look around This Old House?
1. oPrologue

This Old House

oPrologue

This old house is **old**. As the title of today's story may suggest. Its own story started a long time before this one, perhaps one hundred or even two hundred years ago. Back when it was a grand family home for a father, a mother and probably two or three children. Now it is a five storey flat (with six flats) where nineteen people currently live – though you would never believe that it would be possible to fit nineteen people in this house. It may be grand but really: _that_ grand? Well, I'm afraid any of you who are thinking that are very wrong but you may be excused because after the tour you will realise that it is in fact an incredibly busy house – buzzing with activity.

Let's have a look inside...

A TOUR OF THE OLD HOUSE

We are currently on Lloyds Avenue, a pretty road with cherry blossom trees running down it. Unfortunately, it is not spring so to see some of the pink blossom drift to the ground would be rather rare, dear. Look, you can see Saïx Conduit and Olette Toogood walking into our house – they're the janitors. Saïx is the sort of bloke you wouldn't like to meet in a dark alley but once you get to know him he can be... alright. Olette is a sweetheart – she's doing janitorial work for extra money to support her studies for a third degree in quantum astrophysics, but really does enjoy the whole atmosphere of the house and a select few residents.

To our left you can see an equally grand house, probably with an equal amount of nutty (don't tell them I said that!) occupants inside. But sorry, love, we're doing **this** house. Cops there, on their way to the house too – things are going to get a little crazy today what with Miss Yunalesca having an interview on the progress of her new movie: _The Summoner_. Yes, today, by Channel Five. Please don't get too excited, mate.

Who's that behind the cops?

Oh, it's just a homeless guy – try to ignore him, thank you.

Well, anyway, as I was saying, Lloyds Avenue is a very busy road but forgetting the traffic, there are lots of other people coming and going so look out for the regulars if you ever come here again. There are some windows to the basement right there if you bend down. Go on, all of you – that includes you, missus. Have a look through those windows.

Not that big, are they? No. But that doesn't really matter: they're only for the basement as you can probably tell unless you have sight difficulties – in that case, I'd advise you to go to the Opticians just round that corner. Yes, that corner, sir, just round there.

Carrying on.

Alright, there's some stairs over there, if everyone could just waddle over to them. They lead to the basement, obviously another way in to the basement is through the house but let's just get the smelly room over and done with now.

Phwoar! What did I tell you? **Stinky!** The janitors turn the boiler on in here every morning and eat their lunch and make sure that the fuse box is all in order. Okay, that's enough of that room – back up the stairs and into the nice, intoxicating scent of pollution and petrol and such. Come now.

Ahh, much better. Let's walk further along the pavement.

There's an electricity box here which has the meters for all six flats. It's not really that interesting to us, 'sides the fact that it says '**DANGER**' in nice, big, bold lettering. And if you look over there, you can see the street drain which takes all the rainwater into the main sewer pipe under the house.

Hey look, it must have rained last night: there's still a bit of water puddling round there. Heh.

Let's take a look inside now, shall we?

Hang on a minute, I should probably tell you about our entrance – oh dear, this is getting boring, isn't it? - the steps are quite worn due to the number of times people have used it and the front door is nearly always open. Well, this morning it certainly is so let's jump in and out of the cold.

Alrightie, that's better, much better: inside, warm, hm?

Anyhoo, to our direct left is the home of the fantastically rich and famous (in the modern art world, mind) Ito clan: Edea, her husband, Leon and their two children, Kairi and Riku. Their flat is a lovely and spacious open-plan apartment with three bedrooms and two bathrooms at the back. The living room is relatively small but there is a large space where the dining area is set up. The kitchen is on the other side and is also relatively small.

Please be quiet though – none of the families are up yet, but then again, it doesn't look as though any of you are. Come on, come on, chirp up! It's not **that**early! Oh dear, I suppose it is, let's take the lift just this once.

Right, onwards: into the lift, my friends. All in? Good. I'll just press here, okay? Now then, the lift... I don't like taking the lift too much – it seems to have a mind all of its own and sometimes it takes a day off and _then_ you have to take the stairs instead. Hm, did you know that there are eighty-seven steps from top to bottom.

I know: I counted.

Ooh, here we are – first floor. Lovely, even warmer here. Anyway, at the moment this place isn't occupied – but soon, oh, today in fact (what luck!), a new family's moving in. My clipboard says that their name is... 'Ewing'. Let's see, Lenne Ewing, Reno Ewing, their kids, Axel and Larxene and Reno's parents, Xigbar and Quistis. Sounds good, we'll have a look at the lot of them later on.

Hm, well, this apartment is great for a family with its sitting room, kitchen, _three_ small bedrooms and a bathroom at the back. Lovely, okay, let's move on.

Okay, and the lift is dead. It's the stairs from now on I'm afraid – sorry about that, guys. Now then, up here on our second floor are the lovely Normans and their kitten belonging to Selphie (one of the twins). Roxas doesn't really care much for the kitten but Rikku – who is too young to speak – adores it which is probably why it frequently goes missing. If you could, it would be a big help to point it out if you see it.

God knows why Tifa bought the damn (pardon my french) creature, she's supposed to be a clever woman!

Anyway, a bit of DIY happened here when Cloud split the back of the apartment into an ensuite for him and Tifa, and a nice big room for the kids to play and sleep in. The front has an absolutely **gorgeous** kitchen and sometimes I wish I could live there. Old fashioned ranges are so in right now.

Okay, stairs again – let's go.

Now, brace yourselves because you are now standing next to the home of the terribly famous, Yunalesca! Yeah, I lost that buzz forty years ago. Right then, this luxurious apartment has a living room overlooking the street with a splendid bedroom with an ensuite dressing room, good enough for royalty.

(Tacky enough, too, but you didn't hear that from me, okay?)

No, sorry the lift is probably still not working, miss, no, I understand that your back is... Look, we can't go on the lift here anyway, see the general lack of elevators? Now up, upupup those stairs. Pretty these stairs, aren't they? They're different because they lead up to the attic cum two more flats.

Oh goodness, it's **freezing** up here, isn't it? Oh God (sorry, I didn't know you were a Jehovah's Witness...), how do they get to sleep up here? Brrr, hoo boy.

To the left is the lovable Professor Xemnas and to the right is the aspiring artist, Naminé Splot. Behind us is their shared toilet – poor freezing, toilet-sharing dears.

Professor Xemnas is an interesting character who talks to Olette (remember the janitor?) a lot about physics and chemistry and space travel a lot, I once got invited to join them while I was doing a run round to check our info was up to date. No, sir, I said no.

Anyway, he has a laboratory behind his... _odd_ bedroom. Similarly, Naminé has an artist's studio at the **front** of the house. Small but sweet their homes are.

Oookay, above us right now is the chimney, home to the **birds**. Around four hundred chicks have hatched there. Beautiful thought, isn't it? The belfry – inside the chimney – houses the water tank for the whole building... and a lot of bats. And if you lean out of the window a bit – not too much, love, don't want a law suit against me - you can see the roof to the lift. Those vents on it, they keep the motor cool because if we let that motor get too warm, well, **KABOOM**!

And those water pipes on the other side drain a bathtub-full of water during storm!

Right, almost done. Just one more thing to say about the structure of the house. Before I say anything though, stamp your foot on the ground.

Oh goodness, you boring lot: harder than that, don't be afr- oops, erm, that may have been a little too loud but yes, okay, well done sir. Can anyone tell me about the sound it made?

Uh, well, yes, it could technically have woken up Yunalesca – but really, other than that: I'm sure that sir here has learnt his mistake. Any more offers? I'm... pretty sure that it didn't sound like a child talking in Klingon... but I'll check next time.

Yes, oh thank you, ma'am – it is in fact hollow! See, listen to that. This is because there is a cavity between the roof and floor of each apartment for insulation, get it? Cold in summer; warm in winter? Yeah?

Right, um, that's pretty much the end of the tour. Go have a coffee or scone or something and come back later for the actual story.

oTHE OLD HOUSE...

wheeeeeeeee! this is based on the DK picture book (which has a grand total of near to nothing in the words department) 'This Old House' - it's amazing because it is. you should all read it and bask in its glory. anyhoo, hope you like it, it's kinda different but hopefully in a good way xP


	2. oOne

This Old House

oOne

Oh good, you're back. Did you have a nice break? Lovely. Oh, I didn't know you could get bagels there. Excuse me a moment. In fact, no, I'm on my last warning. Wouldn't want me to get fired now, would we? Anyway, back again at our lovely old house. Everyone's starting to wake up now and are all excited for a nice Saturday in. Time for the fun to begin.

Let's start from the top.

7 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING

It seems that there was not much point in coming to the top of the house as neither Professor Xemnas or Naminé appear to be up, let alone awake. Oh well, we'll comment on the way the bats seem to be indulging in a very interesting conversation. Though, that would be silly – bats can't talk. Ha, I get paid to pretend bats talk. Anyhoo, they'll be flapping back to the belfry tower.

Let's go downstairs, shall we?

Oh Lordy, did I tell you about Yuna, faithful maid to Yunalesca. No, I don't think I did. Barely an adult, Yuna skipped school to go to themovies. I know, disgraceful, isn't it? But she so desperately wants to be a big shot like Yunalesca – she even changed her name from Deirdre to Yuna.

"Today a great movie director is finally going to discover _me_ and whisk me away to Hollywood."

Poor dear, I wonder if she ever does make her "big time". I sure hope so, she's awfully nice and such – a little bipolar perhaps, but apart from that, she's lovely. Honestly. Yes, she may be a little deranged, for we all know that Yunalesca is rather... ostentatious, say and Yuna still sticks with her. Probably till the end (the end of Yunalesca's career, that is, and we all know that'll be soon anyway).

And oh look, Yunalesca's sleeping. Big surprise.

Aren't actors meant to get up early and always be ready, or something?

Let's get going downstairs now. Oh, look, it's the postman! Say hello, my children. What's the mail today, my good sir?

"Boring letters today. Nothing but bills from insurance companies."

Right, here we are at the Norman household, you know, with Selphie (and her kitten), Roxas, Rikku, Cloud and Tifa? Anyway, they're all up, it seems – excluding Tifa who likes to sleep in on Saturday's due to her job as a doctor. Very hard work, that.

"Careful of the kitten, Selphie!"

Roxas appears to be pointing at some non-existant kitten. Gosh, where has that kitten got to? It's just disappeared again, it's not even under the pillow Selphie's held up. What? Oh, thank you ma'am. The kitten's on Roxas' head, see?

Right, moving on.

Down onto first floor, folks. It still seems uninhabited so I guess the new family will be moving in later. I wonder where they're coming from, it must have bee-

"This will be the perfect burglary. At least I'll have enough money to move out of the crummy neighbourhood."

Oh dear, it looks like we have some burglars in our house. "Crummy neighbourhood" indeed, this is the best avenue this side of the city. Hey, have I told you that I live on this road, huh, yeah, funny how things come to you at the oddest moments! Anyway, follow me, dears – ground floor beckons!

Ah, it appears that everyone in this place is awake and oh boy, here comes Riku, arriving home after a good thirteen hours of funky music and hip dance moves. Last night – as he does many Friday nights – he emerged from his room, bat-like, at dusk to check out the city's trendiest clubs (I think I'm getting used to this teen-lingo, don't you?). He tends to live a nocturnal life.

"I know you said you would be late, but this is ridiculous!"

Ah, the dulcet tones of the ever fatherly Leon at the breakfast table as he feasts upon toast and water, reading the Saturday Times. His wife, Edea, merely stares ahead, obviously picturing her next item of purchase already in her head. She sees a statue. She sees birds.

She sees modern art.

"Hello, Yuffie! Listen, I'm having a party tonight... NO! A VERY small one."

Kairi, on the phone to her other popular friend, no doubt. Kairi has four boyfriends currently (Nick, Rick, Mick and Dick – and she has a little _thing_ for Vic, too) though she is musing over whether to dump them all for that Sora kid Riku is so fond of.

Ah, the wonders of teenage life. Never cease to amaze me! When I was a teenager, (goodness, what a long time ago!) we were more interested in looking after the space pigs and shooting laser beams at lamps. Though that **may** have been a movie I saw the other night.

Alrightie then, let's go outside and see what's happening! It appears that Olette and Saïx have placed their lunches in the basement already as they're making their way into the house. Oh sorry, I don't mean to point out the obvious – it's a nasty habit.

"I think this is the quietest building around here."

Can you see the police walking down the street to us, there? Hmn. Hey, it's that hobo again – I wonder who he is.

"This looks like just the place for forty winks."

The basement? Urg, that place smells like rotting eggs mixed with the delightful scent of mouldy bread ad butter. Not... that I really know what those things smell like. I was just taking an intelligent guess.

Well, I'm afraid that's it for today – I hope you've enjoyed yourself. Why don't you go have a jog around the park over there for an hour and a half while we wait for the next episode of our story?

oAS A NEW FAMILY

uh huh. i hope that more people read this this time because it was only the adorable sequizurx and the fantastical skitts - who are my close friends and henceforf, **had** to read it. (or face mah wrath)  
and just for those who are not in the know, which is not a bad thing because i am generally not in the knowledge ever, i am not as old as this creepy tour guide person who is getting much better at teen-lingo and used to pet space pigs.  
really, i'm not.

yes, i know, mistakes, mistakes, mistakes. just point them out in a PM or something _please_ because it would help me IMMENSELY. yes and i know that the beginning bit sucked terribly but... i don't really have an excuse - it just DID.

btw everything everyone says is taken directly from the book. because it's basically a picture of a house (with the front walls taken away) with people doing stuff and captions at the side. i haven't (and won't) write someone saying something they don't say in the book because i'm faithful like that xP


End file.
